No Bother

中午的时候去海の幸吃饭，发现一年半没有去了，一切都变了。有点落寞。

是不是注定要在我失落的一天遇到更出乎意料的事情。

到了这个地步，以前的一切都一笔勾消了。2年，说舍得是骗人的。

于是振作起来，我要的改变终于等到了。只是这一次，无比地被动。

重返母校

今年的第一个38摄氏度高温天，应班长诚挚邀请，重返阔别2年的母校参加光电学院校友会的成立仪式。由于气温实在是不适宜游玩，对于崭新的校门口和西欧式的出版印刷学院也只能望洋兴叹，下次回来的时候再留下大家和新建筑的倩影吧。

过去的 彩虹

今天早上得知昨天有彩虹。很久没有写blog 了。这两者好像没有关系。

可是莫名的是昨天下班的时候自己突发的想看看天空，似乎有一种感召必须看一下。有点红得醉人（自然不是彩虹）。低头回想上一次看到这样天空的时候，于是追随到去年的夏天，赤道以南。

紧接着大脑就空白起来。

如果昨天我看到的是彩虹的结束即使许愿也没有作用了吧？更何况， 我就没有许愿的念头。对那些迷信迷信不可不信的东西，产生免疫。那现在我相信我是一个唯物主义者。

昨天去了久违的上海图书馆把2本关于莫扎特的东西还掉， 同时借了一本崭新的《钢琴演奏之道-赵晓生》。原来这个持着一口上海普通话的现任上海音乐学院附中校长能够写这么文雅的长篇学术著作，而且深入浅出， 深得我心 。我想我对他的看法似乎有些改变，的确是一个专业出生的搞了一辈子钢琴的教师。

流水账-》上个礼拜周末参加了同事的婚礼，闹得好开心。健身房懒惰了一阵子突然发现拉丁课有新的进展大家都扭的很陶醉，而且明显发现自己又有吹气球的趋势，还发现有了新的健身球的课程，激动一下， 今天下班以后去。

*

前天晚上看cctv-音乐厅。郎朗和中国爱乐的肖邦第一钢琴协奏曲。很认真的看，记忆中我好像第一次如此专注地看他的演奏。刚换台过去时看到的是一双手，几秒钟以后确定这个人是郎朗。果然不出所料，几分钟以后镜头出现了他夸张陶醉的表情。

挥手一笑，继续听他的演奏。

有些人的演奏不能看只能听， vice versa。但是郎朗是一个很有趣的例子。他的演奏既能看——浮躁地想看表演的时候； 也能听—— 心静如水想学习的时候。照此理论， 买他的唱片似乎不如淘一张dvd 来的经济实惠。

很久没有碰过肖一。但是它的旋律似乎不曾离开过，就像所有听过上千遍的乐曲。第一时间捕捉到的旋律， 第一时间反应的曲名。

郎朗有些mad，这也是很多人对他的看法。我对他的认知是——一个很有自我想法和事业很滋润的新生代表演性钢琴演奏 者。 我知道那段录像肯定是最近一次北京国际音乐节的录像是在听到肖一知道那个人是朗朗的同时，因为在我记忆中郎朗不曾公开演出肖邦的协奏曲直到最近那个音乐 节。他的柴一拉赫已经被放了无数遍，颇让人觉得恶心。

传说中本次音乐节他一个人单挑了10部钢琴协奏曲，背谱演奏。佩服他惊人的记忆力的同时， 让我对他的每一首作品的质量产生强烈的好奇。虽然原则上我承认他的敬业精神和再创造的能力， 可是他过于american 的个人作风总是反驳着我对他能力的肯定。父亲说他应该到沙龙里面去演奏， 我嗤之以鼻——不， 他应该到马戏团或者话剧拍摄现场。

在看到这段视频的前一天看到了赵本山的电视连续剧， 我终于能够理解为什么郎朗说他以后不弹琴了就去学赵本山演小品，因为他们都有着辽宁的大牛眼。赵本山瞪着他那双眼睛眼珠子不停转动的时候我立即想到了郎朗，有些条件发射。不知道赵本山是不是也是双子座。

回来说他的肖一，cctv 很人渣地只给了第一和第二乐章， 第二乐章尚未结束就开始打字幕。郎朗对于肖一的诠释比我想象中略微传统（也就是不那么糟糕），不过还是有了很多自己的东西。肖邦被他这么一压抑， 变得十分别扭。带着西部牛仔帽子蹦蹦跳跳的年轻肖邦大概不能指望别人想象他坐在钢琴前拿着羽毛笔谱曲的样子了。想起一个我的莫扎特死忠说他弹的莫扎特是把 把莫给强奸了，此言十分粗鲁却表达了乐迷的强烈愤慨。他的肖邦还不至于到这个地步， 而且我似乎很乐意看到一些新元素的出现，仿佛想到自己第一次听弗朗索瓦肖一时候的震惊和新奇。显然郎朗带给我的奇特远远不如弗老，不过一些很传统的句法和 结构在他这里还是得到了一定的颠覆，并且旋律的层次感更加分明，凸显了很多传统中被忽略的声部线条和和弦，这一点在同时期的年轻演奏者中还是十分罕见的。 而且他乐于在两个手中的某一只有空闲的时候”协助”指挥一起工作让他把钢琴在协奏曲中的分量增加不少，自然也增加了他的演奏会可看性。既便如此，他的演奏 却没有表现出钢琴凌驾于乐队之上的气势，整体的融合还是相当不错。可惜由于地域文化的差别，部分和钢琴应该有出色心灵呼应的地方，乐队的成员没有体现出一 点感觉，遗憾遗憾。 无论如何， 他的肖邦真的很少有传统肖邦的感觉， 显得更加雄心壮志和初生牛犊。浪漫派， 郎朗还要继续磨练一下。

Earthquake 旋转木马上的从容

It is not the 1st time I am so taken back at my reaction of facing death.

I just felt dizzy in that 5 , or more exactly 2-3 minutes. I bet so did others in this building. While 5 min. later ,  people around me grasping their handbag and rushing out of the office.Noices came through my headphone , it looked like a earthquake.

The office is almost empty.

I was wearing my headphone , enjoying Desperate Housewives and my Employee Handbook draft.

By the time I was willing to take off my headphone , by the time I was sure that it WAS  an earthquake just now, I merely smiled, reckoning it might be a joke or , the shake had gone , not harm was done .

Footsteps showing almost everybody was retreating while I was still as calm as ever, arranging my documents and prepared to leave.

Was it real that my sense of survival was such little , or I simply saw no harm or emergency of life threatening?

In the time everybody was moving, I have not even asked myself why you’re not escaping?

No horror to me, just face it, like face every other things.

I wonder , it is courage , or surrender.

2009.2.22:16:39 Tomorrow, a new day

It is said that today is Chopin’s birthday , or 1st March is his birthday. Who knows.

I got my first part-time job pay today. Nice day~

And tomorrow will be a new day, a brand new start and challenge.

Take care.

Preordination or NOT

The night before I was listening the recording or LIUS in 2003, when the programme was still on for 5-6 every evening , having Ted, Jane, Edward, Thomas , Andrew and so many foreigners from different countries. I was glad to find that Andrew is a very interesting guy, much opening and cute then Ted. Of course I had not been listening to it during early 2003 , more exactly , not putting much attention to stick on it. And now , it seems a huge pity.

Listerning to Edward’’s show is alwasy very enjoyable . Some people may find it quite boring with Ed talking and talking on the serious social or literature topics like PRISONS, SELF-SUICIDES, but I always find it’s helpful and learnd a lot in Ed’s own opinion , in which I found his insights existed not like others .

Andrew is of course the highlight these days since I had not pay enough attention to him and always think he’s a attachment. I am sorry to say that. I found his accent very rural-American .AHA! And a little hoarse and dramatic when he tried to explain something quite funny. Interesting.

And the night I was listening to KEV ,JAMES and Andrew talking about Preordain that I really found myself looking forward it for so long. How nice that I got to know how KEV had been into the radio industry and how things all changed their lives when radom encounters occured. Preordination , believe it or not?

I used to think that life owns me alot while now I am changed to think it’s not life owns me much but I own myself too much. Nobody has owned you anything ,you just own yourself a choice, an option or others , who knows.Retrospect, I found so many options that were already there that I missed to pick and choose that ended the thought of life owning me . It’s good to find that life has already presented you everything that you haven’t understand how to choose.Preordain or not, it’s just the way people have for doing first or waiting first. It’s sorry to think everything is preordained and you do nothing just to wait. How many people believe in this I dont know , but I am just inside some time and to loose myself in control.

Control and balance. I am trying very hard ,pushing myself to limit.

This morning, I just met someone sitting in front of me ,short, thin, pale in face and has a pair of torch-like eys which stared right inside my soul like a radar. I wonder he has the ailibyt of BLINKING .I have the instant feeling of being watched by a vampire who really had no idea how I felt and continued like that for the rest of the talk. I am never scared of foreingers while it should be the 1st time today that I am really scared or being astonished , motionlessly seated. And he never smiles, all the time listening very attentively like he was going to miss anyword I was saying by just one blink. I found myself unconciously smiling each time speaking of previous PM , which should always be the situaion. I was, am still quite amazed by the effect he left on me for the past years after he left here . It’s like vernal sunshine, shining always far away , and I when I reach it through any sense ability, it is there , never left and died out.The echo is powerful and lasting. It shall be an spiritual drug, I admit it finally as it had done no damage but help to me. I believe he didnt notice this but I think he knows how we both felt when being talking passionately. I am grateful and surprised he sent the new year greeting to me by X’MAS with a nother wish that I could have a white XMAS and have my 2nd snow man, which he mentioned year before which may looked just like him.I laughed, halfheartely. It’s too many jokes and interesting insights in both of us , traveling long way lead by the talk. I must admit I really enjoyed it because at least so far, no one has had that influence on me . It made me totaly calm dowm to peace. I still remembered when MAX first mentioned him to me in the telephone , that he IS A VERY PLEASANT GUY. PLEASANT , how very accurate.

Winter has already stayed here as I have been longing to when ever it is not in this season. Hope my Spring will just step in intime to present me a real spring.

终极孤独ULTIMATE LONELINESS

看英文原著用中文写，感觉很奇怪， 于是还是给了标题一个英语的说法。

尽管昨天晚上看完觉得有很多可以写，到了今天早上就只剩下这么点了。美国资本主义和黑奴的问题就不说了， 历史书和政治书上都有，小说在PART2 copeland 医生在奖学金PARTY 上的讲话还真有GHANDI 的风范，几乎把马克思的政治经济学精华都概括了， 这些东西概括地说似乎很平民，看的我热血沸腾的……

关于小说的本质

一直到最后SINGER 为Antonapoulos自杀，我才感觉到一点类似于同性恋爱情的意思，如果单纯认为这是一部同性恋小说（似乎入选了20世界十大同性恋小说），有失偏 颇。作者并未把这段感情的归属交代清楚。一开始PART 1的写法只是表明他俩是非常好的朋友，这种亲密即使是兄弟情也可以做到，PART2 开始写Antonapoulos离开SINGER 以后singer的生活，依然只是点名SINGER 的孤独，和传统意义上的同性恋并无关系；PART3看到Antonapoulos死亡的时候我的心里一颤，估计着singer 离死亡也不远了，果然他自杀了。

对社会现象的批判现实主义小说。小说的线索编排比较有意思，主线是上世纪30年代-50年代美国的社会政治问 题（资本主义剥削，黑奴等），副线才是SINGER 和Antonapoulos之间的情感。而SINER与Antonapoulos的关系可以作为纵线，在这之上拥有4条横线， 即为singer和4个访者的关系。仅仅阅读PART1，很容易让读者进入同性恋感情的臆断，事实上从PART2 中部开始，作者才开始把主要笔墨都花在直截了当写美国社会问题上，而之前的所有，只是一种隐藏的伏笔。

讽刺的孤独辩证

4个访者与singer的关系是本书最大的亮点也是极具幽默和讽刺的部分。4人都把singer 神化了， 就连作者都一直站在他们的角度从一开始就把singer 描写成具有智慧冷静平静的完美人。从PART 1 一开始的描述，读者就很容易对SINGER 产生莫大的好感和好奇。

这4个 访者或是对美国资本主义剥削持有改革的看法，或是对世间的家庭与爱、对人内心的洞察持有强烈的好奇，或是拥有无法实现的天赋，或是对黑人奴隶制度拥有毕生 颠覆的使命；无论哪个人，因为他们内心的孤独，源自于社会本身，小说的主旨就是每个人都永远是孤独着的， 孤独是人的本质。他们把不能说话的MUTE SINGER 成为他们倾诉心灵的唯一对象。而singer，很少发表评论， 只是微笑着倾听，永远的灰色睿智的眼睛，平静的心态。这保证了他们的倾诉都是完全安全的，不会泄露的。

非常迷人的假象，如果SINGER 是一个靠吞噬灵魂存活的妖怪，估计那4人早就被吸走了全部的灵魂精华。然而，在PART2 的后半部，从singer给Antonapoulos的信中，读者才发现原来事实不是这样完美，访者所相信着的SINGER , 或者读者也已经相信着的singer 并不理解大部分访者说的话。换一个方式说， SINGER 只是在倾听，却不完全明白他们和他们对自己的信任，他又他的迷茫和困惑却无从表述。看到这里我笑了。

孤独的人总是认为找到另外一个可以倾诉的人就摆脱了孤独，却不知如若倾诉的人不懂他 们， 他们仍旧孤独，终极孤独。

同样，Antonapoulos也并不理解singer，他们一起生活十年，Antonapoulos只是关注食物和享受，从不真正体会singer对他的依恋和情感。singer 的可悲在于过多的人盲目地以他为摆脱孤独重拾平静的依靠而他自己本身却始终孤独无法自拔。

小说的PART3 是我非常喜欢的一部分，用通常的话说就是“简洁明了，点明主旨，升华主题”。Singer 的孤独始终伴随他， 即使他自杀了，他仍旧孤独，因为他所牵挂的Antonapoulos 从未理解他。4个访客分别有了新的生活，或者说选择了他们的生活。黑人医生终于因为年迈而无法纠结于黑人推翻白人的历史使命，JAKE 终于在清醒的理智中找到下一个目标，MICK 失去了INSIDE ROOM ，变得更成熟，BIFF 在彷徨和自我对话中迎来日出。他们的改变和继续是社会本身造成的，如果没有singer，他们的生活会不会有所不同？singer在他们的生命中来了又去，来的时候带来惊喜和安慰，走的时候带走所有他们想象中的心灵慰藉。如果说唯一的影响，那就是，他们都学会了平静面对生活赐予的一切。

Peace。这是singer在他们生命中的印迹。

书摘：

Therefore if this difference was not in the body it was probably in the mind.

There are those who know and those who don’t know. And for every ten thousand who don’t know there’s only one who knows. That’s the miracle of all time—the fact that these millions know so much but don’t know this. It’s like in the fifteenth century when everybody believed the world was flat and only Columbus and a few other fellows knew the truth.

But it’s different in that it took talent to figure that the earth is round. While this truth is so obvious it’s a miracle of all history that people don’t know. You savvy.

He was thinking that in nearly every person there was some special physical part kept always guarded.

Some things you just naturally want to keep private. Not because they are bad, but because you just want them secret.

Maybe when people longed for a thing that bad the longing made them trust in anything that might give it to them。

Resentment is the most precious flower of poverty.

Dark suits me.

But say a man does know. He sees the world as it is and he looks back thousands of years to see how it all come about.

He watched the slow agglutination of capital and power and he sees its pinnacle today. He sees America as a crazy house. He sees how men have to rob their brothers in order to live. He sees children starving and women working sixty hours a week to get to eat. He sees a whole damn army of unemployed and billions of dollars and thousands of miles of land wasted. He sees war coming. He sees how when people suffer just so much they get mean and ugly and something dies in them. But the main thing he sees is that the whole system of the world is built on a lie. And although it’s as plain as the shining sun—the don’t-knows have lived with that lie so long they just can’t see it.

Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth.

And how can the dead be truly dead when they still live in the souls of those who are left behind?

Tomb Sweeping Day’s Dream

It was a time that she was young. Innocence could be flowing on her face. Living in a small town on an island beside the sea. It has never mentioned her family, her parents of course. All about her was she had a good female friend who lived with her brother , who was not in very good health .The sister had a job in the town service center so did the girl while the boy had not permanent jobs due to his health. The story began when the man came into the town. He was kind of an envoy if you said so. He brought fluctuation into the town by appearing in his yacht. The most fascinating thing is not his yacht that luxury and expensive but it could certainly turned into a private plane by pushing one button in it. The arrival of him cheered up the town by great length. He sponsored several projects to greatly rejoice the people living there, they have parties almost every other day. The whole town was mostly like it was in bright-day festivals. She , the girl as the envoy of this town , was the hostess for holding all this with him. Supportive and handy , all those performances and activities were more like a festival to the whole town. Gradually, affection rises between them but no one spoke out. It was the most happiest time , proved later , of his. They were doing the great lot the noble one . He pleasantly took the orb stone necklace presented by her at the end of the festival , treating like an hearty gift. It was no long after that the brother fell sick. It was well known only to his sister that he processed a love to the girl ever since childhood. The sister went business otherwhere while the responsibility of taking care of him was no doubt hers. She took no rest in caring for him after the festival, having to neglecting the man hanging around with other in the town., one of whom was his back sister. Bitterly listened though , to the confess that the man left with a kiss-bite on her by the sister and it was clear that he left her and the town determinatively, some thoughts was rising in the girl that he had not understood and he took the whole health-caring thing . Though she knew some time that he might faked to fell in love with her sister out of jealousy, how certainty it was she could not make sure. Time flies. Several years passed when she was ready to marry others, when the brother had been dead, the news flew back to her like owl post that there was a stranger living by the side of the sea recently , never going out on day-light but night. Instinction spoke to her that the stranger was him. He was back. She hang out the cabin absent-minded some time , some time with mild fury about his left and his revenge. There was the misunderstanding, and she could not leave it plain for whole life. Driven by the strong sense of this , she took action one night. When she bugged well that he was out. She theft in to his house with great talent and sneaked into his room. There laid a big notebook , or a diary or a photo album if you called it by the opening of first pages. It was more like a personally memory book by her ,and actually it proved she was right . The childhood, the teenage, and of course the time with her was clearly written with short titles, like ‘BORN’,’GONE THE FAMILY’,’FIRST SUCCESS’, she got to knew that he had no family at all since very young , how difficult it was to set up his career was out of imagination. He seemed always avoiding talking about his family , but only how he was taken to lead his life now. Then she came to the page marked ‘BEST TIMES’ with her in the photo , with all the town grinning madly around them. It was such bitter and sour that she passed them quickly and afterwards, there were no pictures .There were only words in blank photo places , with deepest telling of a heart, like bookmarks for each of his life step. “BAD MAN WAS I?” “TOOK THE VENEAGENCE” “LEFT AND WAITING?” “MEANINGLESS, ISNT’ IT?” “WAITING…” And there’s a B at the next line which she guessed should be “BACK” but no letters after B as if there was a sudden thunder occurred and broke his thoughts. There was a movement at the door. He was back. She hid behind the curtain and listened his walking into the room. He found the notebook left had been moved, and he certainly knew it was who. “Appear, please, if you will.” He said in calm voice. She stepped out , staring him with concentration while he did so too.Years passed and left trace on his face. “There was a misunderstanding and -” she spoke out in trembling tone but was interrupted by him . “I knew , I knew now and no body was to blame except me , and how foolish I was.” he took a deep breath and embraced her with shut eyes. Next day , the notebook had the last comment called : THE END. And that was when I wake up at 9 on the morning of Tomb_sweeping holiday. I could not find out any clue into this dream connected to myself and could only guess, GHOST HAUNTED.